Wednesday, July 26, 2006My daily dose of humility
I met my OB/GYN yesterday, the man who'll likely deliver my baby in about 6 weeks. Without going into great detail about this doctor visit, I'll just say that I left the office pretty indignant and upset. With my last two births, I was blessed that our previous duty station contracted out all the OB care to civilian doctors, and I had a wonderful midwife deliver both my boys. It was a great birthing experience; I felt in control of my decisions and like what I said and felt mattered.
I am afraid that luxury won't be here this time around. There isn't a midwife for miles and our military insurance will only cover my care right here on the base. I was apprehensive from the get-go but I didn't imagine to feel THIS malcontent about my doctors.
I have such a spiritual ideal of how I envision my labor and delivery to go... giving birth is such a remarkable way for me to connect to the suffering of Our Blessed Mother. When I left the office yesterday, I felt like it would be impossible to find any spiritual meaning in that place at all. They are very sterile, slightly condescending, and somewhat aggressive about their "precautions" and pain medications. While the doctor said that no one will force me to do anything I don't want to... I got the feeling that he'd think I was a total idiot if I didn't do exactly what he thought was right.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make through all this is that it dawned on me today... after a day of griping about how terrible they were and how I DESERVED the birth experience that I wanted, that this was a golden opportunity for grace. Our Lady didn't have her ideal circumstances when she gave birth to Jesus. Her frustration at being turned away place after place must've been nerve-wracking. And then to have the delivery out in a cave or a manger in the company of animals... probably was not what SHE envisioned for the birth of the Savior of Mankind.
And so, there I have it... my blessing in disguise. The joy and providential grace of a newborn baby can not be dependent on the circumstances of its arrival. While I still feel a bit of dread about my next visit, I'm thankful that God may be entrusting me with a tiny opportunity to suffer for His sake.
-Ellie: Oak Harbor, WA